Line was like an arrow to my heart. “I don’t want to waste Crohn’s.”

Recently, I wrote this piece, “Why I’ve not been Angry at God” encouraging people, when we feel hurt and angry we can either bring this before God and stay connected to him, or turn away from him and begin to let our relationship drift or be severed completely. I raged, protested, moaned and groaned, swinging between faith and despair, but I never gave up. I chose to trust that there was an answer even I didn’t know it. After I met a Messenger of God, I repented ( Job 42:5-6). His encounter with God brought him back to his knees where he could let go of his anger, bitterness and pain.

Always I have heard that couples’ struggling to have a child but this line was like an arrow to my heart. “I don’t want to waste Crohn’s.”

After a deep chat and lunch section, got a chance to spend some time with him alone. Why it is so difficult? This made me confused. We’re not talking about buying a new living room set here. We’re talking about having a child someone who will throw her arms around you, even throw up on you. The idea of conceiving child as the product of two people’s love is a precious dream, and a deep longing. Thus, what a comfort it often is for couples to discover Proverbs 30:16, which tells us that a “barren womb” is among four things on earth that are never satisfied. The intense desire to have children is part of the way God structured the world. The drive, the longing, that “unsatisfied” feeling these is part of the design. The line which he said landed on me like a ton of bricks. He is dealing with Crohn’s Disease and he had a bad couple of months.

Toward the end of his chat he read Matthew 5:11-16 “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you. You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot. You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.” he said, “I don’t want to waste Crohn’s.”

He said how each period ends a sentence we didn’t want to end, how each month we hurts and aches for a baby. But here we are approaching two years later and nothing has changed. We’re not alone in this world. It’s not something talked much about, but 1 in 8 couples deal with it. While referring the bible, we see no fewer examples of infertility in modern times. Whether the causes are environmental or genetic, thousands of couples struggle with the inability to conceive and carry a child to term. In the Old Testament, when God dealt with Israel as a nation and His blessings were related to the strength and wealth of the nation, fertility was a direct metaphor for God’s blessing. In the church age, God’s relationship to us is much more personal. So much so that it is possible He wants our hearts for Himself, without the distraction the blessing of children would incur. It is good and appropriate to mourn infertility. It is not good to place the desire for children above the desire for a relationship with God (Exodus 20:3).

 And this situation is why what my friend said bothered me in such a great way. “I don’t want to waste infertility. Our infertility must shine and glorify God.”

If He is the light of the world and we are the light of the world, then He must shine in us through infertility. If everything works for my good and His glory then infertility must, too.

I can’t let my experience be only grumbling. Will we grumble to God about this? Absolutely. Where else can we go with our trouble?

But I refuse only to grumble about this. Is infertility in and of itself a good thing? No, I don’t think so. But I know that God is up to something.

There must be glory in out infertility. If everything works for my good and His glory then infertility must, too.

I don’t know how, but I trust that when I look back on this it will be like flipping over a cross stitch. I trust that God not only knows what He’s doing but that what He’s doing will be glorious.

I trust that if and when my wife gets pregnant it will be with our child planned for us. I trust that when we adopt we will adopt our child planned for us.

While reading The scripture states that God is not a respecter of persons and will not show partiality or favoritism. IF God answered these prayers will he not answer yours? Acts 10:34.

May Almighty God give us the capacity to be in solidarity with those who are suffering and walk the most challenging of journeys, believing ultimately in His Resurrection.

Your Servant in Lord

Lino Varghese Abraham

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